


What Comes Next?

by mglouise97



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angry Kylo Ren, Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rey, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, TROS Fix IT, tros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21940393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mglouise97/pseuds/mglouise97
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER....What happens if Kylo didn't die? How would the story have continued? Would he and Rey have been able to be together? What of the darkness still lurking in him, would Rey be able to accept that he may never be fully in the light?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 13
Kudos: 158





	1. Its Not Over Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Hella angst. There are several more chapters that I have planned so stay tuned.

Kylo holds her limp body close to his chest, holding back a sob that burns in his throat. There is a sharp pain at his rib cage, a deep gash in his calf, he is in pain at every point in his body but all that pain is drowned out by a singular thought screaming through his head. 

Save her. 

He blinks back tears and places his hand at her abdomen and tries to concentrate on the work at hand, letting his energy, his life force flow through to her. The screaming in his head does not stop, it only grows louder, threatening to break his concentration if he gives into its crushing weight. But after a few agonizing moments, Rey blinks her eyes open, looks up at him, and smiles. 

He feels in that moment as though his heart has split open and he lets out a breath as if it was him who had stopped breathing, not Rey. Kylo keeps his eyes locked on Rey, drinking her in with desperate, pleading eyes. 

Rey leans forward, taking his head in her soft hands and kisses him, strong. He relishes it, feeling the way her soft lips match perfectly against his. When she pulls away he can not help but break out in a smile, a genuine smile. A light laughter bubbles up in him that he can not, no- does not want to stomp down. It bubbles all the way up through his chest and turns into a soft chuckle by the time it reaches his lips. His lips, the ones that sweetly tasted hers only moments ago. He could taste those lips every day if she let him, he would never tire of looking at her face. Even now, both of them broken and bloodied, she still seemed to glow. And he knew, deep down in his chest, that he needed her. Needed to feel her glow every day for the rest of his life, desperately clinging to her like she was the last drop of water in a sun kissed Jakku sky. He pulled her into a hug, holding her there for as long as she would let him. She seemed content there, breathing into his chest and not moving from his embrace. 

But Kylo's thoughts started swirling and spiraling towards the darkness. He wanted her for the rest of his life. But what was his life now? He reached out through the force and could feel in the sky above them a crashing and breaking of ships. The entire fleet, destroyed above their heads. Though he didn't feel anger or saddness in watching their downfall, he did feel an emptiness. He had no place with them anymore, couldn't bare to even imagine going back, not after this. He wouldn't want to. But still, the emptiness pained him too much. 

He looked away, to take in the rest of the sky. He could feel the unbridled joy of the Resistance fighters, mixing and swirling with all the death that surrounded them. So much joy and ecstasy pushing and pulling against the death and destruction. Is this what the balance is? He asked himself. It didnt feel like balance to him, he still felt uneasy, still felt the emptiness inside. He knew he had no place with the Resistance either. That was Rey's life, the home she had built for herself. As much as he wanted to be a part of it, it still didn't feel right to him. It couldn't fill the emptiness he had now aching inside of him. It scared him, to feel like this. It scared him because, he realized, it felt familiar. His mind flashed back to when he was a child, at Luke's temple. He remembered feeling so alone, so scared and lost. He shuddered to think about it and the physical reaction jolted him back to reality. He was still there, still lost, but still with Rey. 

"Ben", she whispered, running soothing hands in small cirlces on his back. He realized then that he was crying, slow hot tears trailing down his face. How long had she been holding him like this? How long had he been crying? He hung his head on her shoulder in defeat. He was tired of questioning himself, of hiding his true emotions, tired of being strong. 

Rey pulled away from him to look him in the eyes. He could tell that she sensed his thoughts beginning to spiral again. Truth be told, they were always spiraling. 

"How much of that did you hear?" Kylo asked, averting his eyes, knowing that their connection through the force was still strong.

"All of it." Rey replied, though she maintained a gentle smile. 

"I just cant help but to think about what comes next. For you, you can go back to your Resistance, be celebrated as a hero." He raised his eyes to meet her gaze and smiled, though a sad smile. 

"You can come with me", Rey placed a hand on his cheek. 

"I would be killed on the spot", Kylo removed her hand from his face and held it in his hand. 

"No, I wouldn't let them. You'd be safe with me, we could-"

"As a prisoner," Kylo interjected. 

"No, no Ben listen to me. You would be safe, I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we could finally-" Rey pleaded. 

"I dont belong there" Kylo said. Rey fell silent. "I dont belong with them Rey. Not like you do."

"You could though, in time you could..." She trailed off, sensing the sadness in his eyes. "I just thought that finally, finally after all this time we could... we wouldn't have to fight it anymore." Tears began to fill her eyes. "Please, Ben." 

Kylo wiped a tear from her cheek gently with his thumb. Hearing her say that name, over and over felt like a wound opening wider and wider, one that he didn't know he had. "I just need some time. To be alone. To sort myself out". 

Saying that felt like he was ripping out his own chest, purposely tearing her away from him when here she was pleading with him to stay. He put his mental shields up, blocking her from his next thought. One that scared him even though he knew it to be true. 

He didn't deserve her. Kylo Ren didn't deserve her. Not like this, anyways. Maybe one day when he was stronger, when Ben Solo was stronger, he could come back to her and be who she wanted him to be. He just hoped that she would wait for him. 

As soon as he blocked her out of his head, Rey's face darkened. She stood up, retreating from his embrace, leaving him cold and even emptier. He knew that he was pushing her away, but he couldn't help himself. She deserved better, and he couldn't give that to her right now. 

"We're on the same side now, Ben. There's no need for secrets" she scowled down at him from where she stood, but extended her hand to help him up. He took it, surpised at her strength despite the battle she had just fought, despite her...His heart stopped for a beat. He looked down at her chest, watching it rise and fall, looked at her cheeks, flushed with color. No, he thought. She was safe now. 

"So what now," she asked, still with a bit of sharpness in her voice. It dug into him like a knife. He turned away from her. 

"Well, you go off back to your Resistance. And I..." He paused. "Like I said, I need some time to sort myself out. I'll go off to a quiet planet. Somewhere I can think"

He turned back to face her, to gauge her reaction. She was crying again. 

"Ben, please" her voice caught in a sob. Kylo clenched his fist and squeezed his eyes shut, anger swelling up inside him. Anger at himself, though he let it affect his tone. 

"I'm not Ben", he snapped. He released his anger in a shaky breath until he felt in control again. He started again, gentler this time. "Not yet. I told you, I need some time to think, to be by myself." 

Rey just nodded, wiping the tears from her face. "Ok, I understand" she said. "Where will you go?" 

"I dont know yet." Kylo could feel Rey's energy still pulling towards him, reaching out to him, calling for him. He didn't try to fight it anymore. He took two quick steps to close the distance between them, taking her hands in his. "I will come back to you, Rey." He looked into her eyes, they were shining with tears. "I promise."

She reached up to his face and pulled him in for one more kiss, long and messy, her face wet with tears. She ran a hand through his hair and he could hear a part of himself breaking. He savored the moment, letting it last as long as she would allow him the pleasure. He tried to memorize every inch of this moment, the way her hand felt in his hair, the way she gently cupped his cheek, the way her hips and back felt in his hands as he drew her in closer to him. 

Finally, Rey pulled away and the moment was over. "I should go."

Kylo, with one hand still at her waist, summoned the two light sabers that had been scattered to the floor in the fight that now seems like ages ago, as if it had all been a dream. The sudden movement startled Rey, leaning into his chest just ever so slightly. Kylo secured both to her belt, soaking up every inch of her that she allowed him to touch. 

"Thank you", she said. Still though, she had not pulled away, choosing instead to remain enclosed in his embrace. Kylo could have stayed like this forever, died in her arms even and he would have been content, grateful even. 

He reached down once more, to place a gentle kiss on her sweet lips, before finally pulling away. "I'll see you again soon. Will you wait for me?" His eyes were soft but behind them he felt desperate, silently pleading with her. It was the same feeling that ached in his chest when he had extended his hand to her in Snoke's palace, begging her to say yes. 

"Yes, I will wait for you. However long you need". Rey responded. 

Kylo let out a shaky breath, squeezed her hands once more, and turned to walk back to his ship. 

Tears flowed freely down his face now that she could no longer see him. With each step he felt as though he was tearing away at himself, though he knew this was the right choice. He wasn't ready for her yet. He could feel the dark side still churning in him, and battling against the light. 

Soon, he thought. Once I'm ready, once I have defeated Kylo Ren, I will return to her as Ben Solo. Then she will be safe.


	2. An Ocean Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Force keeps pulling them together, but Kylo isn't sure that he can face her after leaving her on the Sith planet.

It was four days before the Force connected them again. It was the middle of the night, but Kylo couldn't sleep. He was pacing around his room as he often did when he needed to think. He didn't have much space to walk though, his new living arrangements being much smaller than he was used to. His long strides took him across the entire hut in only 10 steps. It was a small place he was renting in the outskirts of a small town on a small, insignificant planet. He had chosen somewhere that the First Order hadn't yet had in its chokehold, somewhere he thought he wouldn't get recognized. It was so very opposite from everything he had come to know. The cold black and white sheen of the fleet replaced by the mud and wood and grass of the small hut. The stale, circulated oxygen replaced by the open air and a soft breeze. Kylo had been hoping that if he had run far enough, immersed himself in something so entirely new that it would make it easier for him to forget his old life. While he had only been settled here for 2 days, so far his old life was all he could think about. It was what he was thinking about now, what was keeping him awake and pacing. Thinking about who he was, who he needed to become, how impossible it all seemed right now. 

The hairs at the back his neck stood on end as he felt the Force connect him with Rey. He spun around the room, searching for her figure. Though the room was dimly lit, Kylo didn't see her. He could feel that she was there though, sensed her unease. 

"Rey?" Kylo said warily, speaking barely above a whisper. He knew the Force would connect them again eventually, but he didn't know if he would have the stomach to face her. 

He heard a noise behind him, a sound of sheets ruffling and he turned to see Rey in the dark corner of the room, sitting up in bed. 

His bed. 

His breath caught in the back of his throat. No, it wasn't his bed, he thought. She was in her bed, it just looked to him like she was in his bed because of the Force. To her, it must look like he was in the room with her, in her space. Kylo shook his head to clear his thoughts, though he still kept his mental walls up. 

Kylo took a step towards her. "I'm sorry to have waken you," Kylo started quickly. 

"No, its ok." Rey responded. "I couldn't sleep anyways." She still hadn't made eye contact with him, her face looking down at her hands as she fiddled with the sheets. 

Kylo took another step towards her. "How have you been?" He asked tentatively. 

Rey was silent for a minute. She opened her mouth as if to start only to close it again, squeezing her eyes shut as she did so. Kylo took another step closer towards her, slowly not wanting to set her off. He was only six feet away now. 

Rey finally turned to look up at him and instead of responding, she just pushed her feelings out to him through the Force, sending her response to his mind instead. 

She sent him rolling waves of emotion after emotion, crashing into him like he was a beach of ragged rocks. First anger, directed at him, because of him. It hit him like a dagger. Then sadness swept over him, he felt her loss and the hole that Leia had left in her heart and in the Resistance. Next pride crashed into him, for the friends she had left, for the fight they had finally won. Then spite, betrayal, frustration, fear, freedom, excitement, all crashing into him one after another. Finally, the last waved rolled in, a tsunami, washing over all other emotions. Exahustion. She was tired, so, so tired. 

Her eyes were now briming with tears, threatening to spill over. Kylo took the final few steps to close the distance between them, finally coming to rest at the edge of the bed. He leaned over and pulled her into hug from where she was sitting, her face burying in his chest as she grabbed hold of him. 

"Rey, I'm sorry." Kylo said gently. "I'm sorry its hard for you right now, I'm sorry I can't be there--"

She dug her nails into his back and cut him off. "Stop," she said shakily, her voice muffled by his chest. "Just stop, Ben. Don't apologize when I know you aren't going to change your mind." 

Kylo staying silent then but sat down on the bed, pulling her in tighter. She was practically in his lap now, her head resting on his shoulder dampening his shirt with hot tears. He began to run his hands across her back, in small circles like she had done for him only days ago. It felt like he was reliving what they had just gone through all over again. Is this how it was going to be every time, he thought. His head was swimming with thoughts, his own ocean waves beating against the shore. He could feel the darkness still inside, churning and unruly. 

No, he thought. He needed to be there for her right now, thats why he was in this place after all. He took a breath and tried to calm his thoughts, tried to center himself. He slowed his breathing to match hers, focused on how she felt in his arms. He focused on calming his own waves, letting them settle into a soothing rhythm until he felt at peace. 

Then he reached out to her through the Force, letting his waves roll over her, pushing them towards her to try and comfort her. Rey sighed and relaxed into his chest. Their breathing matched, in and out to the rhythm of the waves. Kylo finally felt at peace, perfectly in sync with her. 

They stayed like this for a long while, until Kylo finally removed a hand from her back and reached out to the other side of the room with the Force. Rey shuddered as his hand left her back, and snuggled deeper into his arms. 

"What are you doing, Ben?" She asked softly, not lifting her head from his chest. 

"Making tea." Kylo responded. 

************

In the weeks after, the Force continued to connect them every few days. Sometimes it was at night, like that first night. He would make tea and they would sit on his bed. Sometimes they would talk, just about their day or about what was happening in the Resistance. Sometimes they would just stay silent, Kylo wrapping his arms around her and going back to that feeling of peace. But every time, it got easier. He was learning to keep better control of the dark side, not letting it contaminate his thoughts, these moments with her. She was less angry too, more understanding of him, how he needed time to become what she needed him to be, or at least thats what he hoped she was coming to understand. He knew she could see the progress that he was making. Sometimes he could feel her sense of pride towards him, but other times it was just a sadness. But it was these moments with her that kept him going. Whenever he would feel the darkness rising up in him throughout the day, he would think of her. He would seek out that sense of peace that he only had when he was with her. It was harder when she wasn't there with him, but he would manage and be rewarded the next time the Force brought them together again.


	3. The Darkness is Still There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had thought that Ben was getting better, but could she accept the darkness in him that still lurked beneath?

She was sitting up on her bed, legs criss-crossed beneath her. Though she had retreated to her room under the pretense of cleaning her lightsaber, she really just needed some space to breath. She had been on this planet for a full week now and it was draining her more than she had thought it was. When Poe, General Poe Rey had to remind herself, had first given her this mission she had not expected it to be so..... Emotionally draining. She and a small few from the Resistance had been hopping from world to world for six weeks now, spending a week or two at each planet. The goal had been to negotiate surrender with the local First Order Captains that controlled the areas but so far almost all negotiations had ended in a fight. It wasn't so much the fighting that was draining to her, she was used to getting into scraps and the Stormtroppers weren't much of a challenge anymore without the threat of galatic backup. 

No, it was seeing what was left in the aftermath that was taking a toll on her. Rey always had this idea, a fantasy she now realized bitterly, that once the First Order surrendered there would be peace and prosperity, as if everything would suddenly get better. She had imagined singing in the streets with people dancing and cheering once they realized that they had their freedom. To be fair, the Resistance base had thrown a pretty wild party when they had returned from the Sith planet, Rey smiled to herself. 

But here on these planets, there was no celebration. People went about their days as usual. There was still poverty, rampant crime, children begging in the streets. Was anything even different? Did all the hard work of the Resistance, all their sacrifices, all the people they lost even matter if these planets were still going to be struggling? Rey let her head fall into her hands and sighed. 

Suddenly she felt the energy in the room change, and sensed that the Force was connecting her with Ben. He was standing across the small room, with his back turned to her, doing something with his hands. He was wearing a loose black tunic and linen pants. It had been eight weeks since she had seen him last, in person that is. Eight weeks since he had left her standing there on the Sith planet. The Force had continue to connect them at random moments, every few days or so. It was always comforting to see him, and she let the thoughts of the day escape from her head as a smile crept across her face. 

When he sensed her presence, he turned around and she could see that he had a bowl in his hands. She started to smell the aroma, something like a stew maybe? Ben followed her eyes to the bowl and laughed lightly, his eyes crinkling with the smile. 

"You hungry?" Ben said, as he reached for another spoon from the background that Rey couldn't see. Bringing the bowl and now two spoons over to her, he sat on the edge of her bed, leaving only a foot between them. He offered her a spoon. 

"I didn't know you could cook?" Rey asked as he took a bite of his meal. 

Ben chewed for a moment before swallowing and responded, "I've been learning. There are no droids or cooks out here so I have to make it myself."

Rey raised an eyebrow in amusement and eyed the bowl suspiciously. "So you made this? In that case I don't know if I should eat it," she teased. 

Ben huffed a breath out his nose in protest. "Look, its just some meat and vegetables that I got from the market in town. Its not the greatest, maybe a little watery," he poked at the stew with his spoon before taking another bite. "But its not half bad!" He grinned and looked up at her. 

"Just try it, Rey." 

Rey obliged and dipped her spoon in to take a bite. It was watery to say the least. It tasted like he hadn't added any spices or flavor at all. But it was warm and she was hungry. She also knew how hard he was trying. 

"Not half bad," Rey agreed, reaching down to take another bite. Ben laughed, hearing her thoughts about his watery, flavorless stew. Though Ben sometimes closed his thoughts off from her, she never closed her thoughts off from him. 

"Well if its so flavorless then next time I go into town you'll need to tell me what to get" Ben responded out loud, with a smile. 

Rey felt a lightness swell up inside her. It was in these moments that she could see Ben, really see him. He was turning towards the light, every day more and more. He seemed more relaxed and at ease with himself, at least in the small time that they spent together. She knew he could sense her thoughts, but she couldn't help but let a small part of her get excited hoping that Ben would be able to join her soon. 

Ben's smile faltered a bit as he read the thought that crossed her mind. "So, how have negotiations been going?" Ben asked as he took another bite. 

Rey sighed and shook her head. "I don't know, its fine I guess. I just..." Her thoughts wandered back to the poverty she had witnessed earlier. "I guess I just thought that after the First Order fell, everything would be easier." Ben set the bowl to the side and took her hands in his, giving her all his attention. 

"There are just so many people suffering at the hands of the First Order and I thought that once they had their freedom that their lives would be better overnight. But its not like that at all."

Rey stood up suddenly and walked across the room to the door. She reached out with the Force, past her door, out into the city. The last of the First Order on this planet had surrendered just a few hours ago, but all Rey could feel was pain, so much pain. She felt the people out in the city, their hunger, their hurt, their sadness. It reminded her so much of how she felt back on Jakku, helpless and alone fighting against a world that was out to get her, barely keeping her head above water most days. The familiar feeling gripped her chest, constricting her breath. Hot, angry tears spilling down her face freely now. 

"Those monsters took everything from these people and I don't know how to put it back, I don't know how to fix it for them." Rey choked out through her tears. 

She looked over at Ben desperately, looking to him for answers, hoping that he would reassure her that it would all be ok. Instead, Ben was turned away from her, his eyes cast downward at his hands. 

"I know," he whispered, the hurt obvious in his voice. "I'm a monster." 

Rey stepped towards him, her hand outstretched. "No, Ben, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you, that you are-- were a monster. I just-- I meant that they--"

Ben stood and cut her off sharply, the anger almost palpable around him. "I am them. I did this, Rey. I did this for years and years to dozens of planets across the galaxy. I crushed them and I didn't bat an eye." Ben looked up at her now, his gaze angry, penetrating deep into her bones. She shivered. 

"I didn't care that I was wrecking havoc." He stepped closer to her and suddenly Rey felt something towards him she hadn't in a long time. 

Fear. 

He continued stepping towards her slowly, as if he was stalking his prey. "I enjoyed it, even. So long as I was in control, so long as I could control them I would do anything, hurt anyone for that kind of power." 

Rey took a step backwards, only to find herself trapped against the door, Ben only a few feet away. 

"You're right, Rey. I'm a monster." 

"Ben," Rey started, stretching out a hand towards him.

He turned away from her, and then the connection was broken. She walked to where he had been standing, feeling him getting further and further away. She let out an unsteady breath, one that she didn't know she had been holding. Usually when the connection with Ben was broken, she was left wanting, wishing for more time with him. But this time, she felt almost relived that he was gone. She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging tight, using the pressure to ground herself. 

She hadn't meant to accuse him, to set him off like that. But he hadn't been wrong to make that connection either. Though she didn't think of him now as "them", an enemy, part of the exact thing she was trying to fight, he had been at one point. She thought back to their first confrontation on D'Qar. She remembered the cold of the forest next to the heat of his saber clashing against her. She remembered the hatred she felt towards him then, the hole in her heart left by Han's death replaced with rage. She had wanted to kill him then. To make him pay for the hurt he had caused, for the pain that ached in her chest. 

She hadn't hated him like that in a long time. Even when he left her on the Sith planet, even when he had offered his hand to her at Snoke's palace, even then she didn't have hate in her heart for him. Besides, he was turned to the light side now. He was different, or at least trying to be. He wasn't a monster anymore. 

Right? 

She felt scared again, scared that she would even ask that question, but more scared of what the answer might be. She felt the fear rise up inside her, gripping her in its power and forcing her to her knees as she clung to herself tighter. 

She wanted to believe that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren were two separate people, that she could have one without the other. But she knew deep down that she was wrong. Even if he conquered his darkness, he would always run up against his past. Even she couldn't escape it. She could see it now, could see his darkness in the faces of the people she helped today, in the ruins of homes destroyed by the First Order. She could see him in the faces of the remaining Stormtroppers as they clung to their beliefs, lashing out at her wildy as she had tried to order their surrender. 

And he had said it himself, he enjoyed it. The power, the control. The abuse of these people and this planet. 

Rey's fear now replaced by anger, how dare he thought he could control these people, to use them like pawns in his game. She stood and looked wildly around the room, needing to release the anger climbing inside her, threatening to overtake her. 

Her eyes fell to the bowl of stew, resting gently on her bed. Ben's bowl. 

Ben. 

Rey paused and took a long breath. She slowed her breathing, allowing the darkness that stirred in her be washed away by the calm of the light. She sat there for a long time, allowing any thoughts of anger or fear to drift past her until she felt her breathing return to normal again. 

She walked over to sit on the edge of the bed, taking the bowl in her hands and wishing that Ben was here with her now, that she could be wrapped in his comforting embrace. She felt the fear bubble up inside her again. Even if he was here right now, even if they could be together, would it even be possible? Could Rey really go out into the world and undo his wrongs only to return to his arms at night, knowing that he was the one who had caused the pain in the first place? Could she be content in knowing that she was embracing one who had hurt so many?

She knew he was still battling the dark side, she felt it still in him, burning hot. The anger she saw today, the uncontrolled rage scared her in its sheer magnitude. She had seen the destruction he could cause if he let it consume him. But worst of all, it scared her how fast he slipped back into his old self. She shuddered. 

Rey sat for a moment, steadying herself. She felt lost, stuck between desperately wanting Ben and the fear and darkness that was keeping him at bay. She found herself wishing for Leia, wishing for the comfort of her mentor. Leia's death still ached in her, just another reminder of the people she had lost in this fight. Just another thing that the First Order had taken from her. Rey took a deep breath, steeling her resolve. She reached out with the Force, asking for guidance. After a few moments of straining, she felt a sense of warmth and love wash over her, tears pricking at the edges of her eyes. It felt just like Leia had always felt, love radiating out of her in every way. Love even for Ben, Rey thought. Despite everything he had done, Leia had always been ready to welcome him with open arms. Leia would have forgiven Ben, Rey thought. He could have destroyed hundreds of planets and Leia would have still believed in his light.

Rey looked within herself, searching for that same devotion to the light, to that unconditional hope. All she found was fear and anger. She knew it was darkness tempting her with anger and fear. As much as Rey wanted to reach toward the light, to forgive Ben the way that Leia would have and welcome him with the same outstretched arms, Rey couldn't bring herself to forgive him just yet. She needed some time. Maybe Ben was right to have refused her on the Sith planet, she thought bitterly. Maybe he had known that his past would catch up to him eventually, and that it would hurt them both.

She was tired, she realized. Her head hurt from fighting against the darkness and herself. She had no idea how much time had passed, or how late it was but she needed to be up early the next morning to head to the next planet. To undo what the First Order had done to yet another world. Her thoughts continued to push against each other and she felt her headache growing stronger. 

Rey stood up from the bed, taking the bowl in her hands as she walked over to the washbasin in the corner of the room. She scrubbed gently at the last particles of stew that clung to the sides of the bowl. She focused on the moment, feeling the wood of the bowl and the soap between her fingers. She felt herself calming, returning to the light. She stood, letting her hands soak in the water until she felt at peace again. When she was finished, her fingers were wrinkled but the bowl shined like new. She dried it and crossed the room to place it on the bedside table next to her. She stripped down to her underclothes and climbed into bed. She thought of Ben, of where he might be or what he might be feeling in this moment. 

She closed her eyes and found herself wanting that connection again, wanting to see him, wanting to tell him.... Something. Her thoughts fluttered past her like leaves in the wind as her eyes drew heavier. She wasn't sure what exactly she would say to him yet. She knew that she needed to forgive him, to show him that she can accept his past, to remind him that he belonged in the light. Finding the words for that seemed so complicated and out of reach. For now, all she wanted to do was hold him tight. She reached out through the Force to send a feeling of warmth and comfort, hoping that he would understand her message. As she drifted off to sleep, she could feel him return the same feeling of warmth back to her. She leaned into its comfort, her last thought lingering on him as unconsciousness seeped into the edges of her mind.


	4. An Empty Ocean

"You're right, Rey. I'm a monster." He turned away from her, his mind searing with hatred and rage. He didn't want her to see him like this. Not after all the progress he had made over the last few months. He was trying to control himself, trying to keep himself in check. But, if he was honest with himself, he was barely holding on. More than anything, he was scared of what he might do if he let go. 

"Ben," Rey started but then the Force connection was cut and Kylo was left standing alone in his room. Without Rey there, he no longer had any motivation to hold himself back. He felt himself slipping, losing what little control he had left. He was beginning to lose consciousness as the darkness overpowered his mind. 

This type of thing had happened before. Something would set him off and he would slip into an unconcious rage. The darkness would take over him, almost like in a trance. He would wake up hours later and find the artifacts of his tantrum: broken knuckles, bloody stains in his clothes, holes in his wall. The worst of all was when he came to and he was standing over the broken body of some sorry Stormtrooper that had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. That part had always made his stomach turn and left him without an appetite for the remainder of the day. 

He could feel the darkness closing in, his eyes going fuzzy around the edges. Unlike most other times though, today he didn't want to give into it. He wanted so desperately to be better for Rey, to prove to her that he was changing. Yet here he was, slipping right back into his old habits. Renewed self-hatred flooded his body and the darkness crept in further, the strength of it forcing him to his knees. He started to panic and a feeling of claustrophobia set in as his vision began to swim. He wanted to fight this, needed to prove that he had changed, that all these weeks on this wasteland of a planet hadn't been for nothing. As much as he didn't want Rey to see him like this, a part of him wishes she was here. It was always easier to keep the darkness at bay when she was around. She made him feel peaceful and calm and he desperately needed that right now. 

Just breath, he told himself. He braced his open hands on the ground to steady himself. He took a few deep breaths. 

In.

And out. 

He tried to match the rhythm of his memories of Rey's steady breaths. He remembered the way she held him, her gentle hands on his back, the way her warm breath felt on his neck. His breathing continued until slowly, he could feel his chest decompress and the darkness around his vision begin to fade. He sat there kneeling and breathing for what felt like ages. At each slow breath he could feel the darkness retreating, getting quieter and quieter until it returned to the usual simmer in the back of his mind. 

That's the best I'm going to get, he thought bitterly as he lowered himself to fully rest on the dirt floor. His knees hurt from the pressure and he picked at the pebbles that had been embedded in his red palms. He knew that the darkness would never truly fade, it had lived in him for too long, sunken its teeth into his very core. He hung his head in his hands. He could feel his thoughts spiraling again, telling himself that he would never be good enough for Rey, could never truly conquer the dark side, could never be redeemed for the monster that he is. He could feel the hatred and darkness threaten to bubble up again. He took a few more deep breaths to settle himself, but his eyes betrayed him as they grew wet with hot, angry tears. 

I'll never be good enough for her. 

The thought kept running through his head, circling, spiraling, keeping him trapped in an endless loop. The slow breathing was all he could do to keep himself from falling further into the trap. 

Kylo laughed at himself. I'm going to die here, he thought, just sitting on this floor and breathing. He felt incapacitated, trapped between the dark side and his own struggle to control it. His breath quickened as the claustrophobia tightened around his chest. 

It was at that moment that he felt something pass through the Force. It was from Rey, not a message or words but just a feeling. It was that same warm, peaceful feeling that he clung to so desperately during their meetings. It was as if Kylo hadn't just destroyed his months of hard work with his outburst. He was amazed, in awe that she was still able to feel that way about him despite everything she had just seen. Kylo drank up the feeling like a man dying of thirst, clinging to it like it was his last hope. He basked in it for as long as it lasted. It left him feeling empty, but in a good way. Clean like fresh laundry or a pond that had not yet been distrurbed. Kylo reached in the back of his mind and found that the darkness had retreated even further, barely hovering above a whisper. A joy swelled up inside of him at the thought and he pushed the feeling back to Rey, wanting to show her what he had found. 

Maybe he can be good enough for her, he thought, the final glimmers of the light still bouncing around inside his mind. But as the light faded, doubt crept into his mind. Was that true? Did he really believe that he could change? Or was that just the influence of the light blinding him with false optimism? Another thought slithered out from the dark corners of his mind and coiled around him. 

You will never be good enough.

The thought made him pause and his blood run cold. His head was spinning. That wasn't what he wanted. That wasn't what he had felt. Kylo whipped his head around to scan the room, as if he would find someone there, whispering dark secrets just behind his ear. 

Where had that thought come from? Snoke was dead so it couldn't have been his voice. The voice came again. 

She won't want you. You're a monster. 

No, Kylo thought. He doesn't believe that. 

But what have you done to redeem yourself, the voice asked. You've done nothing but sulk on this planet for weeks.

No, thats not true. Kylo felt his anger rising. I discarded my lightsaber. I renounced the First Order. He squeezed his eyes shut. He was frantic now, searching through his own mind to find the voice. 

You're the same as you've always been. Nothing has changed. You were never capable of change.

"Stop it!" Kylo shouted aloud this time. He threw the Force out around him with all his strength. He threw it around his mind, chasing away every thought, every feeling, every crevice of noise, pushing it all out with a sudden rush of Force. His mind was left clean, no thoughts, just empty space. He slowly opened his eyes and realized what he had done. The air around him was still, it was as if he had been at the center of an explosion that had frozen in mid-air. His hands were shaking as he kept the Force flowing through him, away from him, as far away from him as he could send it. He was sweating from the strain of it. There were cups and silverware, books, blankets, clothing all thrown about the room, suspended in mid-air. As the last drop of Force energy flowed from his outstretched hands he felt his knees buckle and as he fell, so did the rest of the hurricane. Everything came crashing down around him as air rushed back into his lungs. Quickly though, he put up his mental shields, hoping to escape the rush of thought back into his mind. He sat panting on the floor, dripping in sweat. His body ached from the exercise but his mind.... 

His mind was empty. The ocean waves of thought and feeling usually crashing against his shores were missing. There was no water at all, the ocean lay dry beneath his feet. He walked along the bottom of his ocean, weaving his way through his own mind. He could see memories like jagged rocks but none elicited the usual emotions. Instead, he felt nothing, like he was an observer of someone else's memories in someone else's mind. He ran his finger along one of the rocks, the jagged edge drawing blood. But still he felt no pain. He brought his finger to his mouth to lick the wound as he continued to meander across himself, looking at his life without the corruption of outside thoughts or influences. It was only him. 

Soon, he grew bored of the activity. No matter which memory he stumbled across, he felt nothing. He had watched his mother leave him at Luke's temple, the first time he had taken a life, the last time he had looked into his father eyes, the death of Snoke and his own rise to power, the look in Rey's eyes when he had brought her back to life. None it made him feel, none of it sent him spinning into the usual self-hatred and rage. It was liberating. 

This is good, Kylo thought. Wait, but was it Kylo still? The name was laced with so much weight but here he was, weightless. The name didn't feel right. What about Ben? No, he thought. That name carries too much shame. 

Who was he now that he had emptied himself and pushed out the Force? And how long could he stay like this? 

The questions just drifted by, like clouds in the sky. There was no spiraling, no trapping him in an endless loop of less-than and no-good. It was refreshing. He felt free. 

I could stay like this forever, he thought. 

He felt a tingle at the back of his mind, like a rodent trying to dig through his mental wall. He strengthened his resolve, enforcing the guards. It was Rey, he realized. She was poking at him, trying to get inside his mind. When he had shut out the Force he had shut her out too. For a moment, he thought about letting her back in. He knew that Rey was good, that she wouldn't cloud his thoughts with the Force. But there was something about the serenity of this place that he wanted to keep just a little longer. Being alone, surrounded by himself without the chaos of the light and dark and his past and his future-- it was quiet. He listened to the silence for a moment, soaking it all in. 

No, he thought. I don't want to let this go just yet. Rey can wait. 

Just then, a faint beeping noise disrupted his thoughts. He concentrated on it, letting it lead him back to reality, back to his body. When he opened his eyes, he saw the room disheveled, the same as before. But still, he felt nothing towards the mess. No shame or anger. 

He looked down to a mirror that had fallen near him in the chaos. It was cracked, but he brought it up to his face to look at himself in the fractured reflection. Still, he felt nothing. He usually hated the sight of himself, he remembered all the times he had put his fist through a mirror to prove a point. But now he felt nothing. He smiled blankly at his reflection. 

This is good, he thought. 

The beeping was still ringing in his ears. He looked around slowly to spot his comlink, the light on it flashing to indicate a message. Standing to retrieve it, he found himself steady and firm. It was a messge from Rey. He clicked to listen. 

"Ben, Ben where are you? Are you alright?" Rey sounded panicked, her voice shaking though he felt no emotion towards her. He listened calmly. "I tried reaching out through the Force but I couldn't feel you. Is everything ok? What happened? Please talk to me!"

He laughed lightly to himself. She's worrying over nothing. But its the least he can do to reassure her. He clicked the comlink to send a response. 

"Hello Rey. Thank you for your message. I am well, though I appreciate your concern. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening." He looked out the window, a gentle sunrise streaming through the curtain. Rey's planet's orbit was a few hours ahead of his. He frowned. 

"Correction, I hope you enjoy the rest of your morning."

And with that he pressed send, set down the comlink, and went about reverting his room back to its usual cleanly state.


	5. Rey Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw. Idk, it just gets kinda dark.

In less than 3 hours, Rey was boarding a ship headed for Ben. She was seething with anger and worry for him, especially as he had still refused to answer any of her six previous comlink messages. She plugged in the coordinates and set it to Autopilot. She had too much on her mind at the moment to enjoy piloting the ship. 

As worried as she was for Ben, she also felt some guilt for leaving the rest of her team here on the planet. She hadn't even told General Poe where she was going when she had requested personal time off. He had been so worried about why she suddenly needed to leave, but Rey knew she couldn't reveal where she was going. No one in the Resistance knew about the connection between her and Ben. She had suspected that Leia had known, but Rey doubted that Leia had told anyone else. It just seemed too complicated to try to explain to Poe. In his eyes, Ben was still the ex-Supreme Leader of the Fallen First Order. To him, Ben was an enemy but to her Ben was..... 

What was he to her? A friend? No, Rey thought. That seemed too casual. Their relationship was so much more intense that any friendship Rey had ever had before. It was true that she had strong feelings for him but... Maybe that was just the Force Bond, Rey tried to convince herself. 

But her thoughts drifted back to their time on the Sith planet, the way his hands had held her hips, the way his lips had felt so strong against hers. Sometimes still, he held her close to him when the Force connected them and she would try to avoid thinking about where his hands wandered, how she wished they would wander up into her hair and across her lips and--- Rey shook the thoughts from her head. It was just for comfort, she reminded herself. Friends give each other hugs all the time. Sure, holding each other for an hour was a little more than a friendly hug but Rey tried not to look into it. Ben hadn't even tried to kiss her since the Sith planet and she wasn't about to make a move either. This was his time to heal and Rey wasn't going to complicate his life even furthed by meddling with his emotions. She strengthened her resolve and decided to spend the rest of the flight meditating to prepare for whatever she would have to face to bring Ben back into the Force. 

*******

Even though the flight had only lasted for a few hours, it was almost dinnertime by the time she finally found Ben's hut. Even though she knew the planet that Ben was on, she had no idea where on the planet he was located. And of course he hadn't answered any of her comlinks asking for directions. She was beginning to worry that he wasn't even at home, that maybe he had been taken hostage somewhere. She shuddered at the thought. It was so isolating not to have his Force signature nestled in the back of her mind like usual. She had been forced to go about asking the locals if they knew anything about him. Rey had been worried that all this investigating would cause a scene but luckily someone had pointed her in the right direction soon enough. It was about an hour's hike outside of town so it wasn't until late in the afternoon that she finally reached the hut. 

Rey came over the crest of the last hill and she couldn't help the tears that began to flow down her face as she ran towards the hut. The lights were on inside, hopefully a good sign. As she neared the dwelling, Rey realized that unlike when she normally would encounter Ben, he wouldn't be able to feel her precense. And since he hadn't checked the comlinks, he might not even know that she was here. Rey slowed until she came to a stop outside his door. Tentatively, she knocked. 

"Ben? Are you in there? Its me, Rey. You wouldn't answer any of my messages so--"

She was cut off when the door swung open to reveal Ben, alive and well, not a scratch on him. Rey didn't bother waiting for his response, she flung herself onto him and hugged him tightly as her tears raced faster down her face. 

"B-Ben," she choked through the tears. "I was s-so w-worried about you". 

His arms paused for a moment in surprise but then wrapped around her. He was more stiff than she rememebered. Usually his hugs were warm and comforting, but this time he felt distant. Worry crept back into Rey's chest and she pulled away to look at him. She wiped her face with her sleeve. 

"Ben? Are you ok?" 

She looked into his eyes but they were off, somehow. They were far away, is if he was watching something else and only half-listening to her. They seemed... emptier. Rey pricked at his mind with the Force to try to get a sense of how he was doing. 

He visibly winced and looked away from her. 

"Please don't do that, Rey." He retreated from her embrace and walked towards the kitchen. "I made some dinner, would you like some?" He offered. 

Rey followed him into the home, ignoring the new home that she would be otherwise thrilled to examine. "Ben, I'm not here for dinner. I'm here for you." Ben didn't acknowledge her, instead busying himself with preparing two plates of food. Rey felt herself getting more desperate. "What's going on with you? I can't feel your Force at all. I'm really worried."

Ben turned back to her and walked the plates over the the table. He set them down and paused. His eyes looked distant again. He opened his mouth to start but then closed it again. 

Rey asked again, gentler this time. "Ben, where's your Force?"

"I needed a break. So I turned it off." He said simply. Then he gestured to the table. "Would you like to sit with me and eat?" 

Rey strode over to him, angrily. "What do you mean, you turned it off? You can't just turn it off."

"Well that's what I did, Rey. I flushed it all out of my head and now," Ben smiled gently, like he was remembering a happy memory. "And now I feel better. Its been nice to take a break." Ben sat down at the table and gestured to the seat across from him. "Now please, sit and eat. I'm sure you must be tired from your long journey."

Rey's eye betrayed her again as they threatened to spill tears. She threw her bag onto the floor and knelt before Ben to be more at eye level. She reached up and took his face in her hands, her thumb gently caressing his cheek. He gave her no reaction which was worse than any negative reaction he could have had. Her chest constricted as she pushed the thought from her head. She cleared her mind and reached to his through the Force. Once again, she tried to feel something, anything. She felt his mental shields as she poked and prodded to try and get a sense of what was happening inside his mind. 

Ben broke her concetration as he swatted her hands away. "Stop it, Rey. That's hurting me." He didn't sound angry, his voice lacking the usual bite. He sounded more annoyed, as though Rey was a simple bug he could push away. 

Rey retreated and stood up, her eyes searching his but all she found was that same emptiness. So she gave in and sat across from him, resigning herself to the food. If this is what it would take to get him to talk, she could wait all night. Maybe he'll talk when he's ready, she tried to convince herself. 

Plus, he was right that she was hungry. 

They ate in silence for the majority of the meal. Ben had tried to make small talk, asking how the Resistance was doing or if she liked the meal. But each time Rey responded that she was only interested in hearing what had happened to him. He would respond that he was fine and they would fall back into silence. It wasn't the comfortable silence Rey was used to with him either. It was awkward and uncomfortable and it chipped away at her resolve. 

After dinner, Ben began to wash the dishes and put away the excess food. Rey stayed seated and bore holes into the back of his head with her glare. It could so easily have been comforting, seeing Ben be so domestic. But he was still cold and distant, as though he was showing hospitality out of obligation. As if she was a stranger, as if they hadn't been so close these past few months, as if they had never..... 

Rey shook the thought from her mind. This wasn't about her. This was about Ben and what had happened to him. The goal here was to help Ben, regardless of how he felt about her. Though she couldn't help but to feel her heart break just a little. 

Ben turned back to her. "Usually at this time I would read or maybe go for a run. But I'm sure you're tired from your trip and I've had a long day as well." He walked over to the bed, straightening the sheets. 

"I apologizing for not having an extra bed for guests to sleep. I also only have one set of bedsheets so you'll have to excuse that as well. I've never had guests here before. You can sleep in the bed tonight and I'll sleep on the floor, I've got a mat that I can use. Tomorrow I will go into town and get a proper guest bed and some extra linens."

That was the last straw for Rey. He was acting as if they had never shared a bed before! As if she had never fallen asleep in his arms during their Force connection, or woken up in his arms when the Force connected them in the middle of the night. As if he didn't want to be close to her, to be near to her like she desperately wanted to be near to him right now. 

She rose from her seat, hands balled into fists and hot, angry tears flowing down her cheeks. "Stop it, Ben!" She shouted at him. "Stop treating me like I'm," she paused, her voice catching in the back of her throat. "like I'm nobody to you! I didn't come here for a vacation and I certainly didn't come here to be shut out from you. Last time I saw you, you were angry and I'm sorry I upset you the way I did. I didn't mean to set you off and it was wrong of me to even bring up the First Order. But Ben,"

She stepped closer to him, speaking softer this time. "Ben, you need to tell me what happened after the Force connection broke. I want to understand. Please." 

Ben sighed and rubbed his temple with his hand, pausing for several long minutes before finally speaking. "You're right. I was angry," he started. "I couldn't control myself. I couldn't control the dark side." He was devoid of emotion, as if he was detailing the specs of a ship. It sent a shiver down Rey's spine. 

"Why didn't you reach out to me? I could have helped you, Ben." Rey spoke gently, taking a step closer towards him. 

"I had been scared of what I might do if I lost control of the dark side. I didn't want to put you in harms way."

"So, did you lose control? What happened, Ben?" Rey took another step closer to him. 

Ben shut his eyes tightly. "I remember feeling trapped." He winced in pain, his hands jumping up to hold his head. 

Rey took another step forward. "It's ok, Ben. The dark side has had a strong hold over you for a long time. I don't blame you for--"

Ben cut her off. "No, it wasn't just that. It was the light side too. They were both so loud. Everything was so loud." Ben was tearing at his hair now. He looked like a madman. "I needed it to be quiet. I needed everything to stop. So I flushed them out, I flushed out everything." He was panting now. "I made it stop."

"Ben, you can't shut the Force out forever." Rey closed the gap between them and took one of Ben's hands from his head. He was shaking but she held his hand firmly in hers.

"I don't want to let them back in, they're too loud. I can't, I can't make them stop." There were tears spilling from his eyes now. 

"I can help you, Ben. If you let them back in I can help it not be so loud." Rey assured him. She gently put a hand on his chin, lifting his head to meet her gaze. His eyes were wild now, frantic and searching. 

"I can't, Rey. It will hurt. I know they will hurt me. I can't go back." He jerked his head away from her hand and squeezed his eyes shut again. "I just want to everything to stay quiet."

"Ben, you need to come back into the Force. I know its hard for you right now but running away from the issue isn't going to solve anything. I can help it not to hurt so much. Please, let me help you." 

"No, Rey. They're too powerful. You'll get hurt. I can't let them in." Ben clutched her hands now, gripping them tightly. 

"Ben, Ben stop. Look at me." Ben raised his gaze to meet hers. "I will not let anything hurt you. Nothing will hurt me either. I can help you, I promise. Do you trust me?" 

To be honest, Rey didn't know if he did trust her anymore. The thought broke her into pieces but she didn't let it show. This is probably how he felt back at Snoke's palace, she thought bitterly. And she had turned away from him then. She didn't know what she would do if he turned away from her now. 

"I trust you" Ben said finally. 

Rey breathed a silent breath of relief, her heart swelling in her chest. "Then you need to let me into your mind. Can you do that for me, Ben?"

Ben squeezed his eyes shut again, wincing in pain. "I don't think I'm strong enough to let you in. If I let you in then everything will come in. Everything will be too loud."

"Ok, so here is what we are going to do. You are going to let me in first and I will come in and help you keep everything else out. I will be very quiet, is that ok?"

"I don't think that's going to work, Rey. You don't know what its like."

"We have to at least try. I promise no matter what happens I will not let them hurt you, right Ben? You trust me to do that for you?" 

He nodded. 

"Ok, I'm going to try it now. Are you ready, Ben?"

He just whispered, "Yes."

Rey brought her hands to his head and rested her forehead against his. "Match my breathing," she instructed him. He was still shaking and his hands were digging into her shoulders where he clung. It took several minutes for him to calm enough to match the slow pace of breath that she had set. 

Then Rey reached out with the Force, feeling his mental walls. "Ben, do you feel me?" Ben just nodded. 

"You need to let me in now." Rey guided. 

After a moment of pause, a small hole opened up in his mental wall and she quickly slipped inside. She could hear him screaming, "Close it! Close it, Rey!" 

She used her Force to try and block the hole behind her but it was too late. Water came gushing in, stronger than she had ever felt before. She saw the walls around her crumble and a tidal wave of water began to rain down over her. She turned to find Ben but what she saw made her blood run cold. 

All she could see was white. His mind was empty, no voices, no colors, no feeling. There were jagged rocks where there was usually an ocean of thought. She tried to find him, find anything that she could feel from him but it was a wasteland. She panicked. 

I can't find him, I can't protect him. 

That was her last thought before the tidal wave engulfed her, slamming against her with a force so strong that it knocked the wind from her chest and she was brought back to reality. 

She was panting and her chest hurt, head pounding as she opened her eyes. Ben was still in front of her, but he had fallen to his knees and was clutching his head in his hands. Rey quickly bent down and tried to reach inside his mind again, but there was too much other noise for her to reach him. 

"Ben!" She shouted at him. "Can you hear me? I'm trying to get to you, I can't find you!" Her hands were grasping at him now, trying to bring him back to the present. 

Ben whimpered in pain. "Everything is too loud." He choked out through tears. "Its too loud, Rey. You told me that you wouldn't let it hurt me but," he winced again. "It hurts, Rey. It hurts so much."

There were tears spilling from Rey's own eyes now too. "I know, Ben. I know I said I would help. I'm trying to--" 

He cut her off. "I can't breath, Rey. I can't," his breathing was becoming more shallow and rapid. He was grasing at his throat now, as if there was some invisible enemy strangling him. 

Rey was desperate now as she dove back into his mind. She still couldn't feel him, find where he was in his own mind. There was too much darkness swirling around in his mind, the tidal wave smashing into cliffs and overwhelming her. 

Finally, she saw him. He was at the center of a whirlpool. She tried swimming to him but kept being pushed back by the waves. She could heard the voices taunting him. 

"Look at you, you're weak." It said. "You used to be the Supreme Leader of the strongest army in the galaxy and now look at you. Pathetic."

The voices continued swirling around Ben as Rey tried to fight against the waves to reach him. "You can't even protect yourself. Running to a Jedi to come and save you from the dark side. She won't help you. You don't deserve to be helped."

The voices grew louder. "You're a monster. Why would anyone want to save you? You can't even save yourself." Rey was swept up in the current, being thrown around by the waves like a ragdoll.

The voice was huge now, encompassing his entire mind, booming over the crashing waves. "This is who you are, Kylo. Don't run from yourself. You're a monster. You belong to the dark side, we OWN you."

Rey tore her eyes away from Ben and escaped from his mind. The dark side was too strong right now, she thought. No wonder he had blocked everything out. Rey looked down at Ben, still curled around himself sitting on the hard ground of the hut. He was shaking and whispering to himself. 

Rey was desperate, searching for a way to stop the dark side from overpowering him. Suddenly, she got up and ran to her bag.

Somewhere, she thought, is my blaster. If I can stun him to knock him unconcious, at least then I could get inside his mind with less trouble and try to clean things up. 

She found the blaster and walked over to Ben. Standing above him, she set the blaster to stun and placed her finger on the trigger. 

Is this really going to work? Doubt crept into the back of her mind.

Its the best shot I have, she thought finally. At least if he's unconscious he can't get hurt. Rey pulled the trigger and Ben's body slumped to the floor.


	6. In Her Mind

Ben awoke with a splitting headache. He rubbed his eyes and sat up as he tried to shake the pain. He slowly blinked his eyes open, adjusting to the bright light. He was sitting on a beach and the sun was beaming down. It was warm with a slight breeze and the water was calm, lapping gently at the shore. 

Where am I? He thought. My planet doesn't have a beach. He tried to think back, to remember how he had gotten here. He remembered the darkness engulfing him, dragging him down, suffocating him. He remembered a voice calling to him, trying to reach him.... 

Rey. 

Ben stood up, legs shakey and unstable from the sudden movement. He looked around wildy.

"Rey!" He called out, shouting into the deserted ocean. "Rey! Where are you!"

As soon as he spoke, Rey appeared, running towards him from further inland. She looked distraught. Ben rushed to greet her. 

"Are you alright?" Ben started but Rey ignored him and slammed her body into his, wrapping her arms around him in a desperate hug. 

"I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so, so sorry. I wasn't able to stop them, I had no idea. I didn't know what else to do. I'm so---" Rey continued talking, the words tumbling out of her so fast that Ben could hardly keep up. His head still ached and it took him a second to process what she was saying.

He pulled away from her. "Rey, I don't-" he started but she cut him off. 

"Its my fault. I promised you that I would protect you from the dark side and I didn't. It was too powerful. I didn't know what else to do so," she paused, avoiding eye contact. "I may have stunned you with my blaster. I'm so sorry, it was the only thing I could think of to stop everything." 

Ben stepped away from her and squeezed his eyes shut, his hand running across his face to ease the ache as he tried to recall the events she described. He remembered having his walls up and the emptiness of his mind. He shuddered to think of it now. It was insane that he had ever thought that he could live like that. He remembered letting Rey through the wall, then how it crumbled and the darkness rushed in. He flinched, the ache in his head turning into a sharp pain at the base of his skull. As painful as that was though, Ben realized that he couldn't hear any of the usual voices. His mind was.... Quiet. Not empty, but quiet.

He turned back to Rey, puzzled. "Where are they now? The voices. I can't hear anything." 

"That's because you're in my mind. After I, uh, knocked you unconscious, I brought you in here so that when you woke up you would be safe. I've got my mental shields up so the dark side can't reach you in here. I know its not a permanent solution, but its the best that I could come up with for now." Rey looked down at her hands, Ben could see the disapointment written across her face. "It was all I could think of. I'm sorry, Ben."

"No, it was a good idea. Thank you, Rey." Ben said gently. 

They sat in silence for the next few minutes. Ben looked out across the ocean, trying to think of a way out of this situation. He can't live in Rey's mind forever but the minute he leaves, the dark side will be waiting for him in his own mind. It has only gotten darker, angrier in the past months that he has tried bending towards the light. Maybe if he could---

Rey interrupted his thoughts. "Ben," she started slowly, taking a step closer to him. "Is it always like that in your mind?"

"Like what?" Ben didn't turn to look at her. He knew what she meant but he was just trying to delay the inevitable. As if playing dumb would make her abandon the question. 

"Like.... Angry. Those voices, I can't stop thinking about it. They were so vicious and angry and hurtful. Is that what its always like in there?"

Ben took a long pause, gathering the strength to sound steady and unphased. He hated her seeing him like this. Like he was weak. 

"Usually, yes."

Rey closed the distance between them. "Ben, I...." She started but trailed off. Rey put a hand on his shoulder but he didn't turn to face her. He couldn't. 

"I'm sorry, I had no idea. Its no wonder you're so--" Ben cut her off sharply as he spun to face her, his eyes glowing with anger.

"I'm so what, Rey? No wonder I'm so destructive? No wonder it was so easy for me to commit all of those horrible acts? Why it felt so natural?" Ben was panting now, his eyes challenging and defiant. 

"I-I was going to say sad, Ben. Its no wonder that you're so sad." Rey said gently. She stared into his eyes until the anger was washed away and pulled him into a hug. 

Ben hesistated for a moment, before giving into her embrace. He clung to her tightly, letting her stroke his back in those small circles like she always did to calm him down. It was all that was keeping him from breaking. She was right, after all. He was sad. Underneath all that anger was fear and a desperate need to be enough. And the sadness in knowing that no matter how hard he worked he would never be good enough. Not for Snoke with the dark side, not for Rey and the light side. Again the feeling of being trapped spread over him and he pulled Rey closer to him, his hand running up the nape of her neck and into her hair. He knew he would always be stuck in the endless pull between the two sides of the Force, the two sides of himself. And it terrified him.

"I'm sorry." Ben whispered. "I don't know how to be better for you."

Rey slowed her hands on his back and pulled away to look at him. "Its not about me, Ben. You have to want this change for yourself."

Ben yanked himself further way from her, detangling himself from her hair, her limbs, her smell. The distance between them physically hurt him but he leaned into the pain, his anger returning and boiling over through his tone. "But that's the whole point, Rey!" He shouted at her. "I dont know myself! I dont know who I am! I can't tell which voices are mine and which are the dark side or the light side. I can't tell if I'm in control or if the Force is controlling me! I don't know!" He slowed, trying to regain control of his emotions. He took a few deep breaths until the anger melted away. But all that was left was the same sadness. "Its all so loud, Rey, and I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am anymore or how to fix..." he paused. "Me. I don't know how to fix me."

Rey stepped towards Ben. Her tone turned. It was darker, angrier now. "Then why won't you let me help you? Stop cutting yourself off from me. I want to help, Ben. Why won't you let me?" 

"I'm scared that I'll hurt you." Ben looked away, avoiding her eye contact. Rey took another step forward, stronger this time. 

"You keep saying that, but I don't believe you." Her tone was fiery and challenging. The wind around them picked up as the sun faded. Dark clouds formed above them and the waves crashed louder and faster. Rey stepped closer to him. 

"Tell me the truth, Ben. I can't help you if you keep pushing me away." 

He wanted so desperately to tell her. But I can't, he thought. If she knew the truth, knew that he would never be good enough for her then she would stop trying. She would give up, leave him to his own failures. And then he really would have nothing. He couldn't let that happen. She was the only home he had, the only place he had really felt safe and he would do anything to keep that. Even if that meant keeping secrets from her. 

"I've told you before, I dont want to hurt you. I have to fix this alone." Ben insisted.

Suddenly, Rey extended her hand, calling her lightsaber to her. She ignited it, the yellow light matching the lightning crackling through the dark sky. Ben took a step back, unsure of this new development. She wouldn't hurt him, would she?

"I am sick of you lying to me, Ben!" Her voice carried across the growing winds. She took another step forward and this time Ben reached out, calling for any weapon he could find. A saber flew into his hand-- Luke's. Of course, he thought bitterly. 

"Rey," Ben started but she cut him off, shoving him backwards with the Force as she stalked closer to him. 

"I have tried so hard to give you space, to let you do this on your own. And where did that get us? You, shaking and convulsing on the floor because you emptied your mind from the Force! I had to stun you with my blaster, Ben!" 

"Rey, I'm sorry, I--" Rey cut him off again, this time using the Force to steal the air from his lungs, leaving him doubled over and gasping for breath. 

"I am talking now, Ben. We have worked too hard for you to shut me out. We have come too far for you to push me out of your life now. We killed Snoke, we killed Palpatine! The First Order is finally dead. You aren't their slave anymore, Ben. You make your own decisions, you choose your own life. Its not fair to have dragged me through all of that only to block me out now. You have to let me in."

She was crying now, hot angry tears streaking down her face. But her eyes held no trace of sadness. They were dark and wild. She held eye contact like she was staring down her prey. But Ben couldn't bring himself to say it. 

"No." 

Rey lunged at him with her lightsaber. He ignited his and easily struck down her blow. So not a fatal move then, he thought. She was holding back. 

She kept going after him, striking blow after angry blow. Ben only blocked, never retaliating. With each block Ben retreated, trying to keep some distance between them. She was pushing him towards the water, the waves now crashing violently against the shore. 

"Why are you pushing me away!" She screamed as their sabers collided again. The water crashed against his ankles, the coldness sharp and painful. He faultered and Rey took advantage. She swept the saber from his hand with the Force and flung it into the ocean. With only a few feet between them, Ben could feel the heat from her saber, and it seemed like the only warmth left in this place.

"I can't keep chasing you." she said. "And you can't keep running."

Ben stayed silent, willing himself to stay strong. Rey disengaged her lightsaber and with it the anger fell from her face, replaced by soft, pleading eyes. 

"Tell me the truth, Ben." Her voice cracked as she choked back a sob. "Please."

That was the final blow. Ben felt his resolve break and gave into it. He stepped forward to close the gap between them and ran a thumb gently across her cheek, wiping the tears from her face. She remained still, not leaning into him but also not pulling away.

"I never wanted to hurt you," he started. "I'm scared that I will hurt you, but more than that I'm scared that," he paused, gathering the strength. "I know that I am never going to be good enough to deserve you. As much as I try to strive for the light side, I will always fall back into the darkness eventually. I will always be pulled and pushed between the two. I can't be who you need me to be, Rey. I will never be who you need me to be."

Rey stayed quiet and without a reaction, giving him space to continue so he pushed on.

"I was so scared of you finding out that I pushed you away. I blocked you from my mind because if I could trick you into thinking that I was getting better then maybe you would stick around just a little bit longer. I can't lose you, Rey. You're the only place I've ever felt safe in my whole life and I don't know where I would be if I lost you."

Rey took his hand from her cheek and held it between hers. "I never needed you to be perfect. I don't care about perfection, I care that you try." 

Ben shook his head. "But I've done terrible things, Rey. At the end of the day I will always be a man that has done terrible things."

Rey laughed lightly. "But you are already so much more than that, Ben! You have come so far." She smiled and her eyes shone. 

Ben wanted to believe her but he couldn't. "I just dont see it. All I can see are the awful things that I've done always running through my head. That's the only thing I can see when I look at myself in a mirror."

Rey's face fell. She thought for a moment and then cocked her head to one side. "I want you to see yourself the way I see you. Can I show you?" 

Ben hesitated but eventually gave in. "Alright."

Rey placed one hand gingerly on his cheek and the other around the nape of his neck. Her hands curled around his locks as she drew him closer to her. Ben's breath hitched in the back of his throat as he realized what was happening right as he felt her lips on his. 

They was soft and warm. He could taste the salty tears leftover from the fight. He didn't dare to move, his body frozen as his mind tried to comprehend what was happening. Hadn't he just told her that he was a monster? Hadn't he just reminded her of all the terrible acts he had committed? How he was never going to be who she needed him to be?

Rey broke away for a moment, just barely enough to speak. 

"Ben," she whispered, her lips brushing against his as she spoke. She took her hand from his face and moved it to guide his hand to her lower back. She reached back up to tangle both her hands in his hair, pushing her body closer to his. The minute his hand met her hip, all the questions in his mind stopped. None of it mattered anymore. He didn't care about his past. He didn't care about the light and the dark, didn't care about any of it. The only thing that mattered now was that she still wanted him. 

He closed the space between them, crashing his lips into hers. His hands roamed her back, clutching her needily. She kissed him back with the same ferocity, pulling him closer. He took in every sense, the way she felt, the way she breathed, the way she smelled. His right hand wandered up her back until it reached her hair. Her buns were loose from the fight and he took advantage, weaving his fingers through her hair. He was drowning in her, intoxicated and overwhelmed. 

She broke away from his lips and moved to place hungry kisses down his jaw and neck and collarbone. Ben gave in, gave up every ounce of control he had and let her have it all. He was powerless and yet he had never felt so safe. 

She moved back up to his mouth and held him in a long, languid kiss, their tongues interwining as they breathed each other's air. Finally, she pulled away to look at him. 

"Does that clarify things? I'm not going to leave you, Ben." She placed another kiss gingerly on his lips. "I could never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I don't even know what happened here. Things went off the rails in Chapter 5 and from there I just let the story go wherever it wanted. Things got a little weird and funky but here we are. Not sure if this will be the last chapter or not.


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